Raising a generation for the world we want, not the world we have

A few months ago, after experiencing a particularly discouraging incident of gender bias, I came home crying and frustrated. How can people not see this? I thought, probably asked out loud to myself. How often is this going to happen before people will call it out as wrong? How long until everyone, EVERYONE, stops discriminating based on gender? 

I had heard through my "kiddo grapevine" that one of my kids was not a feminist, or at least he had been saying negative things about feminists. My heart literally was in my stomach. He is MY kid! How could he NOT be a feminist? Hadn't he lived with me his whole life? I was in complete disbelief and that night at dinner, I asked him about it directly.

Here's how the conversation went:

Me: "I hear you've been saying negative things about feminists."

Him: "Well, yeah. I mean, I don't get how they want to be treated better than men." 

Me (seeing red, freaking out inside): "Feminists don't want to be treated better than men, they want women to be treated equally to men."
(at this point my husband and other kiddos made some excuse to leave their half-eaten food at the table...) 

Him: "I don't understand. Women ARE treated equally to men. These feminists want to be treated better."  

At this point, I totally broke down into a rant about how women are NOT treated equally, citing numerous examples of bias and discrimination of women in general, but also bias and discrimination that I've experienced personally. I then continued on to point out all of his privileged statuses (sex, gender identity, race, class, geography, able-bodied, apparent sexual orientation...he's at the top of the food chain, I made sure to point out...). My son sat there wide-eyed and in silence, finishing his tacos.  

I believe I ended with, "I can't believe you're MY son, you live with me, and you don't know that gender discrimination exists."

I've been thinking a lot about that conversation, and specifically my son's opinion of the world, since that conversation. The truth is, he's a really earnest, sweet kid and he'd be the last person who I would think would be perpetuating bias against anyone. When I thought about it, I realized that he wasn't. He HAD lived with me his whole life, and what he learned from that has been that women are equal to men. He TRULY, HONESTLY believes that. He couldn't comprehend what feminism is because in his world view, women are already equal to men and he treats them that way.

It was this same kiddo who, when he was five years old, got into a verbal argument with a cashier in a department store because he said, "I like your brown skin." and the man said, "I'm not brown, I'm black." My kiddo responded, "I can see your skin and I'm pretty sure it's brown." The cashier was NOT happy about it, and I had to explain to my 5 year old on the way home why the man was upset with him. I felt the same way, full of sadness and frustration and worry, explaining to him the meaning of and reasoning behind feminism.

I feel disheartened because my son sees the world the way I wish it actually was: where skin color is just a color and everyone is treated equally. I've shown him that through my example, through what I've modeled in my own behaviors and attitude. And now I have to teach him that's not what the world is really like. While the lessons have been heartbreakingly easier around race and sexual orientation because of tragedies and recent victories in the news that lend themselves to discussion at the dinner table, gender discrimination continues to be mostly invisible. It's not, of course, but besides catcalling, discussions of campus rape and sexual consent, and GamerGate, there aren't big news stories. It's just the everyday-ness of discrimination and bias that continues and continues and continues.

Even though I know I have to start pointing out reality, I wonder what it would be like for a generation to grow up taking for granted that people should be treated equally regardless of their sex. What if we succeeded in teaching our kids that all people should be treated equally and with respect? If all little boys were raised believing that girls could do anything they could do, how would our world change as they grew into adulthood and challenged and then changed organizational and cultural bias? I want to live in my son's world where we don't need feminism. I hope by showing him the world we live in now, it doesn't cloud his view of the way things should be and how he has already been living in this world where he is more likely the exception than the rule. 

A pirate girl looks at 40

When I was young, up to and even in my early 30s, 40 seemed far, far away. I could never have imagined, not in a million years, what my life would look like as I reach my 40th birthday. In my estimation, by 40 I'd be a big shot, changing the world in grand, ambitious ways. I didn't really have a plan for myself, other than being very important in some highly recognizable way that made the world better for my having been in it. 

So here I am, reflecting on my mistakes and lessons learned as I reach this milepost which, now that I'm here, doesn't seem so momentous anymore. It almost feels like hanging too much importance on a single step in the process, like the new phenomenon of celebrating 8th grade "graduation" or worse, kindergarten graduation...i mean, really? And yet, it seems as good a time as any to debrief with myself (and evidently anyone who reads my blog) on what 40 really signifies.

If you've ever heard the Pirate vs Ninja personality assessment, or the iteration Pirate - Ninja - Cowboy, I am clearly a pirate: throwing it all out there, wearing my heart on my sleeve, too honest to be a sneaky ninja, too ambitious to relax and enjoy the ride like a cowboy. It's ultimately being a pirate girl that has shaped my life so far and landed me here, ironically near the ocean, with a list of miserable failures and joyous accomplishments 

Here's what this pirate girl has learned at 40. I wonder what I'll have learned in another 40 years?

• Everybody has big ideas. The coolest people are the ones that do something about them.
• Even your best ideas are terribly flawed. You should let other people help you improve them.
• My mom is (almost) always right. 
• Happiness is not tied to how much you weigh.
• Fitting into my skinny jeans still makes me happy.
• Nothing makes me happier than hearing my kids laughing. 
• 80s pop culture was the best. 
• Power corrupts absolutely. Think about that when you get a little power.
• There are bullies and mean girls at every age. Ignore them. Their desire to hurt isn't about you.
• If you can't ignore them, talk about them. It's easier to ignore them with friends to distract you. 
• We undervalue water. We shouldn't be taking it for granted.
• At the end of the day, the most limited resource we have is time.
• Always tell the truth. Especially when it's hard.
• If someone asks you to lie, still tell the truth. And get away from that person.
• Some people want to believe the lies. Distance yourself from those people, too. 
• There are a lot of really smart, kind, loving people in the world, but they aren't well-organized, so they're sometimes hard to find. 
• Find work that is fulfilling. You don't have to love it; even the best jobs have bad days and downsides. Find something that when you wake up on Monday morning, doesn't make you dread heading into work.
• There will always be Mondays when you dread going into work.
• Don't settle.
• The most important decision you make in life is who you choose to spend it with. 
• Be gentle with others. They have volumes of stories you know nothing about.
• Don't assume. 
• Actions speak louder than words.
• People change all of the time, but you can't change them.
• Dance as often as you can. You can't be sad if you're dancing. 
• Be silly.
• Take risks. The worst that can happen is usually not all that bad, actually.
• Approach every situation with love.
• You don't get a second chance at everything. 
• Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone.
• By the time you're old enough to eat anything you want whenever you want, you're wise enough to know that you shouldn't.
• There's nothing like having a long talk with my sister. 
• There's nothing like having a long talk with my daughter.
• Even though I don't want them to know it, sometimes my kids are smarter than me. 
• Go outside more.
• Play more games.

My sister and I are born on the same day, a year apart...my first, best birthday present. Enjoy your last year in your 30s, sissy...I'll see you on the other side of the hill ;)

Actually, everybody IS doing it: ageism and tech-savviness

I have the luxury of working from home as my schedule allows, or in my case, as has happened with some frequency over the last couple months, working from Starbucks. I see and hear the most interesting things while I'm sipping on my iced decaf Americano with soy milk and researching online communities or piecing together the business case for a particular product direction. Last Friday was no exception.

While I am continually intrigued by the two guys who sit in the corner playing RPGs ALL DAY every day I've been there (seriously, they sit there throwing back iced mocha grandes, sitting across from each other and NEVER talking), there was a particular conversation I had last week that I can't get out of my head.

As I was engrossed in some deep thinking and writing, I felt someone walk up to my chair. It was an older man, probably in his mid- to late- sixties. He was examining my laptop when I looked up. He asked me if it was a MacBook Pro, and I said yes...I'm on my third one and I really love it, except they run hot and if I don't pay attention or use a cooling pad, it will burn my legs. He chuckled,  turned to the even older gentleman sitting at the table next to me, and said, "See! I told you they get hot and we'll have to get you a cooling pad!"

He went on to explain that he was trying to figure out what laptop to get his father. We went on to discuss the pros/cons of getting a MBP versus a MacAir, and I told him the big difference was the internal DVD drive in the MBP, to which he adamantly explained, with hands gesturing to the sky, "Who uses DVDs anymore? Everything is in the cloud!"

We talked for a few more minutes, this man in his 60s, his dad in his 80s, and me, the young whipper-snapper breathing down the neck of 40, about what this octogenarian wanted to do with his new laptop and which type might be better. After determining that the main priorities would be reading news, playing online games and using social sites, I told him that an Air would probably be fine, but he should figure out his graphics and video needs for the games he wanted to play before he made his final decision. They thanked me and off they went, coffees in hand, arguing about when they could make it to the Apple store.

I was reminded of this conversation when I saw a link posted by Dr. Jane Bozarth on Facebook from Pew Internet Research that shows 43% of Internet users over 65 are on social media sites.  And then there's this research report, which shows more than a third of gamers are over 36 years old (also, 45% of gamers are women, but that's for another post). Or this study, another from Pew Internet Research, that shows 45% of people 50-64 and 18% of people over 65 have smartphones.

She's 100. She's a gamer. 

Technology is not simply for the young and the idea that we should be designing for the next gen is overlooking a significant portion of the population that is embracing technology to improve their lives today. I was, but shouldn't have been, surprised by my conversation in Starbucks last week. It was a real-life example of what the research is telling us: everyone is adopting technology and our designs should account for the unique characteristics of different populations, but should not assume that any particular demographic (e.g., gender, age, or shoe size) makes someone more or less likely to be passionate about or eager to learn or use a new technology. Yes, there are resistors, but their resistance is more likely tied to their personality than their age.

Feel free to cite the above research when someone says their employees "aren't technology savvy." :)

Shared history

Today is my birthday, but it's also my sister Amie's birthday. In an unlikely twist of fate, she and I were born on the same day, exactly one year apart.

She was my first, and will always be my best, birthday present.

I've never taken my sister for granted. Over the years, maybe because we were so close in age, we really were friends, not just sisters. She's absolutely the funniest person I know. She's also unfailingly kind, insightful, and giving. She's thoughtful. She's loyal and protective of the people she loves. And she's mine...my sister, who I am so lucky to have in my life.

Today as I was getting ready to make the annual call to sing her our song:

I got a little nostalgic about what this amazing woman has done for me over the years. Despite the fact that she was a relentless tease when we were little ;), she was always the outgoing one, introducing me to new kids on the playground or encouraging me to try something new with her. As we got older, we stuck together...lots of moving meant that we always had each other, even as we each made our own friends and pursued our own interests.

Amie painted this for me (that's me on a donkey)

In high school she ran like a deer (I ran more like a hedgehog) and crushed it on the golf team; I was more of the music and theater girl. But our differences made us closer in the important ways. We shared a room for most of high school and got so used to being together that when we moved into a house where we could have our own rooms, sometimes she'd come sleep on my floor just because she missed me. Amie is a phenomenal artist and one of the best writers I know...her Facebook posts are so funny that she has people who've friended her who she's never met, just because they want to read her hilarious updates. But its not just her writing...she's always funny. One night when I was in 6th grade, I was really sick and Amie decided to put on a show for me to make me feel better. She blared Bette Davis Eyes and did a dance that, to this day, made me laugh harder than I've ever laughed in my life (there were some hand/eye gestures that, if YouTube had been around back then, would have made her a viral video bazillionaire).

Although I am the older sister, Amie was always the scrappy one. When my on-again, off-again boyfriend in high school was suddenly "off" again, she waited for him to get out of work at his car with a baseball bat and informed him that if he ever messed with me again, she'd use it. When she finished Army boot camp and showed me the video of her in the gas chamber...I was in awe. That was my little sissy. I don't think she probably knows how proud of her I am, how proud I am that she is my sister. And how happy I am that she's stuck with me forever.

There are countless stories I could tell you about her, but she could tell those stories better herself, I'm sure. She's the family storyteller. There is something powerful about shared history, shared connections...family...that grounds you, supports you, makes you feel safe. Amie has listened to me, given me tough love, and made fun of me my whole life (minus that first year). She inspires me and I miss her desperately, especially today.

So happy birthday Amie...my sissy and my best friend. And yes, I know, I'll ALWAYS be older...I know you'd want me to add that in :)

Learning, and the opportunity and risk of living publicly

We are in the age of living publicly.

Social media has enabled us to broadcast and publish our work, our thoughts, our pictures, and our "updates" not just to people we know, but to the entire world. This brings with it an enormous opportunity and also tremendous risk, sometimes at the same time.

Take, for example, Rebecca Black.

If you haven't yet seen the Friday video by Rebecca Black, or heard all of the news stories about her and the video, take a minute and watch it now.



Its not a good song or video (although I would bet you money you'll find yourself singing the catchy hook later today)...in fact, its pretty awful. BUT SHE'S 13. I never fancied myself a musician, but I did think I was a pretty fantastic writer when I was a teenager. When I look back on what I wrote? Wow, I was terrible. I'm thankful that all of my writing was confined to spiral notebooks and the broadest audience was my friends and family who encouraged me to keep writing, but never gave me false praise or soul-crushing criticism. I was allowed to practice and improve, and in some cases, realize that I wasn't all that good and I didn't have the passion to work harder to become good.

That's the beauty of learning. To really learn something, to become an expert, you have to practice. You have to have a safe place to try and experiment and fail and improve and stick with it and, eventually, get better. Becoming really good at something requires dedication and practice. Sure, some people start out with natural abilities or inclinations that might make learning something easier. But there are very few things that you can't learn and be really good at if you keep practicing.

Rebecca Black may have never become a great singer, songwriter, or musician. Maybe she would have (maybe she still will). But what impact has the public lambasting of her video had on her learning, her motivation, and her development?

Criticism is hard to hear. None of us really like to hear that we're bad at something...we thrive in environments where we get positive reinforcement. On the other hand, constructive feedback is necessary if we want to get better at something.

We live in an age that allows us to get instant, unfiltered feedback on anything that we do. It may be a realistic environment, but it can be hostile and often not constructive. Now, more than ever, we need the ability to practice, to find opportunities for constructive criticism in safe environments, and to refine and hone our skills before we put ourselves out in the public eye.

In learning terms, this means that coaching, mentoring, and communities of practice will play increasingly critical roles in our development. It means that immersive and experiential learning environments will become those safe havens where we can practice safely before we're ready for prime time. It means that we all need to develop the ability to manage our public versus private identities in ways that we haven't had to even think about in the past.

I hope Rebecca Black has a long, happy, and successful life in whatever she decides to pursue. At 13, she has learned, and illustrated to many, the power of social media. But with great power comes great responsibility...and we all need to be taking (and teaching) responsibility to ensure that the opportunities afforded by social media outweigh the risks. 

You're only as old as people think you are

Today is my 36th birthday. Not too long ago, I probably wouldn't have told you my age--not because I thought I was old, but because its not much of an advantage to be a 36 year old CEO. But that's better than what I sometimes get when people guess that I'm 28 (on a completely vain level, bless them!) or 31 or some other younger age. While on some level it is a compliment, it also is invariably a hit to my credibility. Because unfortunately, whether we like it or not, we judge people's expertise in some part on their age.

I've been discredited for my age in client meetings, comments like "and all that before you were 25" after I gave my bio. I've seen others discredited or dismissed for their age, most recently keynote Jonah Lehrer at the Learning Solutions conference. And more subtly, you hear the tone of people's voices, see their body language, when some young whippersnapper comes on the scene and has an opinion or shows expertise.

So I'm 36, squarely in my mid 30s, and have been running my own company for 2 years after starting it (brilliantly) at the beginning of a recession. I have more than 15 years of experience in education and training, have my Master's degree, and wrote my thesis on technology in education and the need for media literacy in curriculum.  I've sold millions of dollars of project work in a year. I've managed a team of 16 people. I helped start a charter school. I've worked on both the client and vendor side, having started my career as a corporate training manager. I've been a teacher, I've been an instructional designer, I've been a project manager. I've spoke at conferences, and internationally. I'm a mom to 3 awesome kids.

And yes, I'm just turning 36 today. Its easy to dismiss someone because of their age or because they look young. Considering my role models are Mark Zuckerberg and these guys, I'm actually an old lady...

Birthday wish

Today my oldest turned 6 years old. There's something about this kid, lots of amazing things, actually. I could go on and on.

Before we sang "Happy Birthday" I told him to think of his wish. Just as we finished singing, he quickly blew out the candles. I thought he hadn't time to think of and make his wish. But before I had a chance to say anything, he started hopping up and down and said "OOOO, I really want to tell you what I wished for! It already came true, anyway."

So we told him it was ok to tell us. He said "I wished that everyone I love would be happy."

And right at that moment, we all were.

Happy birthday, Jackson.

The last day of 33

Back in 1997, when I got my first email account, I was shocked to find that there was actually already someone who had koreen@hotmail.com. (I've long assumed that I'll never run into another Koreen and so when faced with the fact that there are other Koreens out there, I'm still always a bit surprised.) I had just finished up an online quiz on which I had scored a 33. And so for 11 years, I've been koreen33.

Last year when I turned 33, I had no idea what a big year it would be for me. In the past 12 months, I've managed to figure out more of a balance between home and work. I figured out, for the time being, what to do in the education of the two oldest Olbrish kids. My grandma passed away from colon cancer. I started writing my first book. I started this blog. At the 11th hour I had my first surgery. Oh, and I left my job and started my own company.

Today's the last day of my 33rd year. Farewell, 33. I'll look back on you fondly, for the chapters that closed and the new ones that began. 34 has a lot to live up to...

Finding young talent

Even though another birthday is rapidly approaching, I'm still pretty young to be doing what I'm doing. So writing about finding "young" talent might seem odd coming from me. Let me clarify; when I say young, I mean right out of college, never had a job before rockstars. It would be easy to be successful by staffing up with people who are proven rockstars--but very expensive. See, most rockstars actually know that they are good, and valuable, and ask to be compensated appropriately. And you should compensate them appropriately (or they will soon enough be someone else's rockstars). But paying senior people what they are worth cuts into your profitability, increases the prices you need to charge clients, and staffs you with a lot of chiefs but no indians.

You can balance this out by looking for fresh talent. I've been partial to recruiting out of college--I had particular success with this at my last job (shout out: Penn State quad!). I've mentioned previously that I don't really read resumes. I should clarify, though, that in looking for young talent, it helps to actually look for them--its probably not enough to post a job up on Monster. Most people graduating for college are not skilled in job searches and they haven't been sufficiently networked to find them on LinkedIn. I trolled college online career centers and browsed resumes. For hours and hours. Then I contacted the people I was interested in talking to, to see if they were interested in talking to me.

The interview is where things really become clear in the search for the next rockstar. Here's what I look for in someone with no actual work experience:

• Passion for what they did in school--How excited to they get about talking about their classes? What classes and experiences do they mention? How does that complement what you are looking for?
• A little ego--Ok, you don't want to hire someone who thinks they know everything already, especially when they probably know nothing about what you do. But they should brag a little. One rockstar that I interviewed for a writing position told me flat out she was a great writer, after she had been modest about the rest of her accomplishments throughout the interview. I loved that she was confident in her abilities and after I hired her, found out she really was a great writer.
• Modesty and willingness to learn--I'm looking for young talent who knows that they are young and talented, and are looking for a chance to learn and grow. I like confidence, but not false confidence. You are talking to someone who's never had a corporate job before, and he or she should approach the interview as a chance to learn an incredible amount.
• Who's interviewing who?--I think this is true of any interview, but more impressive in young candidates--the interview should go both ways. Young prospective rockstars should be interviewing you as much as you them to make sure the job is a good fit.
• Would you want to get a beer (or coffee for you teetotalers) with him/her?--Just like with any candidate, personality is important. You need to be painstaking in building your company's culture. That is NOT to say that everyone should be the same; on the contrary, quirks make life interesting. But you will be spending time with this person, and its important that you like him or her. Try some dinner party conversation in the interview and see how it goes. Ask some only slightly interview-related questions. Among my favorites are favorite movie, favorite book, magazines you subscribe to, and the legendary "what food would you bring to the company picnic?" These should really just be conversation starters, and the answers don't really matter--except they do. Because you can gauge a lot from how people talk to you when they don't feel like they are being interviewed.

I'm on a quest for a few young rockstars. I'm looking forward to finding the next "Corporate Idol."

Age matters

Relative to other company presidents and business owners, I guess I'm pretty young. I've had to hear lots of comments from people about my age, mostly from people who are older than me, insinuating that somehow my age is an impediment to my value. Of course, it probably doesn't help that I'm a female, either--somehow young, ambitious men get more credit and credibility for their ideas and drive.

I've been thinking about this in relation to the Clinton-Obama nomination battle. Clinton is touting her experience and Obama his fresh perspective. Both are seen as serious contenders for one of the top leadership positions in the world. I am curious how this will play out, since Clinton and Obama have touted very similar views. Let's say Clinton wins--experience would seem to be the key factor that people believe makes a good leader. If Obama wins, he would actually be figuring some stuff out as he goes along, opening up the possibility for mistakes, yes, but also to create something new--new processes, new ways of looking at old problems.

I'm trying to create something new. I don't think my age inhibits me, I think it helps. And I hope that 20 years from now, I'll still be positioning myself as a proponent of "new" and not just relying on my experience to give me credibility.